April Showers: The Loss of a Friend

Have you ever met someone and felt an affinity right away? Whether it was easy banter, or a knowing smile while “people watching” and silently agreeing on a “glamour don’t?” Haven’t you met someone that could both madden and gladden you in a space of several minutes? Does the laughter of someone ring in your ears?

I was privileged to have that kind of friendship with Cole Pratt who passed away this week. The last email he sent me several days before his sudden death puts our relationship into perspective, and so I share it with you:

From: Cissy Petty [mailto:mlpetty@loyno.edu] 
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008 9:27 AM
To: Cole Pratt
Subject: RE: 
Next time! What a great dinner gathering. Hate to miss it. what are you all doing this weekend? french quarter fest? strawberry festival? hanging out at your beautiful home? C

From: Cole Pratt [mailto:cole@coleprattgallery.com] 
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008 9:32 AM
To: Cissy Petty
Subject: RE: 
Why, Do you want to come over so that I can invite people to entertain you then leave me hanging? HA! HA! HA!!!!!

From: Cissy Petty 
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008 
To: Cole Pratt 
Subject:RE:
You make me laugh.
Let’s see...how to make it up to you...
Let me count the ways...

I counted on Cole. I don’t count on many people, and ours was a new friendship. But I counted on Cole. He was the first friend made when moving to New Orleans almost 2 years ago. He insisted on including us in everything that he and his partner, Roy concocted. Most of the time it entailed eating, drinking, and merriment. Cole Pratt defined “merriment.” Part of that “merriment” was captured in Cole’s affinity for the pirate life! He could hoist. With a loud “arrr” Cole introduced everyone to his world, and invited them to be a part of the whole. He epitomized the romantic swashbuckler. Skip Williams defines swashbuckler this way: Just about everyone is familiar with the classic swashbuckler -- a flashy combatant who lives by his wits and literally dives into combat. But a swashbuckler can be much more than just a character that looks good in a fight. He might be a tireless do-gooder, a fun-loving reveler, a wisecracking vagabond, a rebel, a pugnacious adventurer who won't sit still when insulted, or some combination of these. I can hear his laughter, even now, over this description. In that slow, southern, Mississippi drawl…he’d say “Cissy, enough about me…tell me what you think about me.”

He was someone I’d have walked the plank with and laughed as we hit rock bottom. Smooth sailing, my friend. 

March Equinox: Equal Light and Equal Darkness

March has a feel all its own. It goes back to that “lion and lamb” analogy. Winds blowing, spring on the horizon with a rainbow in our pockets. What does this month have to teach us?

Ralph Waldo Emerson, in his work Laws of Nature, wrote “before a leaf-bud has burst, its whole life acts: in full-blown flower there is no more; in the leafless root there is no more; in the leafless root there is no less. Its nature is satisfied and it satisfies nature in all moments alike. There is no time to it. But man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time.” Why is it so difficult for any of us to stay in the now? The memories of the past are powerful. The mind plays-off “what if” with “I should have” and constantly pulls our attention away from the moment before us.

It’s either about me or you or us and all the judgments of the past. There is no freedom. There is no currency. What we are left with are feelings of regret, blame, guilt, and shame sprinkled with our infrequent moments of glory. In essence, we have either retreated to a former place and time or reverted to old experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. And if not for the thoughts of “what might have been” pulling us...then it’s the thoughts of “what might be” pushing us. Again, there is no freedom. There is no currency. We have our lives on hold.

We wait for the moment the winds of change die down or the rain in our fields dry up. We hover trying to glimpse the rainbow before the light has an opportunity to burst forth from the clouds. We anticipate the best and the worst. We lose our ability to see any gift before us because we are certain the gift of value is yet to come.

I am learning that we lose our connection to our central self by living in the past and future. All the thoughts of what might have been or what is yet to be become who we are today.

We miss being present. 
We miss the gifts.
We miss being free, like a leafless root.
The only restoration to our self starts now. 

What Do You Love?

February is the love month. It starts with the anticipation of Valentine’s Day.

Ever since we were all in grade school we couldn’t wait to carry home a shoebox full of “be mine” valentines. We naturally think of “who” we love during this time, not so much about “what” we love.

In January, I started re-reading the book “Simple Abundance” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I first read it in 1997 during a particularly painful time in my life. It is hard to believe it’s been 11 years since my first reading. I had my heart broken in 1997. It took almost two years for me to recover my bearings, to be able to sing my made-up songs in the mornings and to believe that I would indeed love again. I know this part of my story is not unique. Many of us fall in and out of love over our lifetime. What helped me regain my positive perspective was Breathnach’s approach to gratitude, and too, knowing it’s not always about “whom” you love, but knowing “what” you love.

I read a saying the other day and put it on my bulletin board: “The key to loving how you live is knowing what it is you truly love.” Part of knowing what you love is listening to that still, small voice within. It happens all the time…you see a painting and are moved to draw closer…you read a poem and feel tears well, heart touched…you are drawn to certain colors that remind you of special times...Knowing what you love is about trusting your own instincts, your gut, your heart, the spirit that leads you. Sarah says “you’ll know what you love the moment you see it. It’s that familiar “wow” reaction. Trust the impulse, capture the encounter, and record the clues.” This she says leads you on the journey of knowing what it is you truly love.

Knowing what you love is also about not being swayed by the opinions of others. So you like stripes and plaids together—go for it! Wear it well. You like the color fuchsia, when everyone else is screaming beige. Go for the gusto. You love the mornings; your partner hates them—celebrate the sunrise alone without being lonely. You want to be a theater major and your folks desperately want you to love accounting. Acknowledge to them that you realize you have to earn a living to support the life that you love. Remember the old saying, “life is not a dress rehearsal.”

Some folks believe the still, small voice inside is intuition. Others believe it is the way God speaks to us. When you know what you truly love you are living in that space which is your calling…your desired present and future. Part of knowing what you truly love is discovering your authentic self. It’s not about loving someone else. It is about loving yourself. Oscar Wilde once said, “to love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” So for the month of February, as we walk by the aisles of valentine cards begging to be bought, Breathnach says “the most essential question we can ask is: what is it that we truly love? Be patient. We aren’t going to overhaul our lives, our homes, and our wardrobes in a week. Trust that your authentic life will unfold naturally and with grace.” 

Musings on Being Essential

What does it mean to be “essential personnel?”

Philosophically, it means that Student Affairs folks are indispensable. Classes can be cancelled, faculty may stay home, but students are still living their lives with us. We are necessary.

American Heritage Dictionary 
es·sen·tial (Ä­-sÄ›n'shÉ™l) adj.

1. Constituting or being part of the essence of something; inherent. 
2. Basic or indispensable; necessary: essential ingredients. 
See Synonyms at indispensable.
—Synonyms 1. fundamental, basic, inherent, intrinsic, vital. See necessary.

As long as we have students on campus, whether classes are cancelled, we are in the process of evacuating students, or some other crisis, Student Affairs staff members are essential. 

You are vital.

With 1045 students on campus, we must still provide counseling and health center, residence life, and dining services. It’s a given, the whole “Maslow” hierarchy of needs. Once a situation or crisis passes, there is always much more to do and share. That’s when the Co-curricular staff, the Athletic and Wellness staff, and the Career Development staff become equally essential. Office managers and administrative assistants’ presence often “normalizes” office operations and provides confidence.

If we have the ability to open and provide services, during stressful or difficult times, we should. Doing so provides structure, and in turn confidence and comfort. For example, when there is bad weather, the library is open, and so too is our sports-plex. Co-curricular programs and student meetings may continue. Simply having SA colleagues present, should a situation turn more difficult, is the essence of essential. The parameters of what services or hours we offer depend on any number of factors. We must be flexible.

When times are tough, people count on us to know what to do. Success in stressful situations depends on experienced leaders: the doers -- those who make a plan, deliver results, and do so with courage and compassion. People just like you. In other words, if you can make it happen, make it right . . . do it. Open the sports-plex, hold a luncheon, write thank-you notes, conduct a business meeting, visit the residence halls, and talk to a parent about the weather.

Your presence inspires confidence.

So the next time a university message reads “classes are cancelled and non-essential personnel are not to report to work,” don’t question your intrinsic worth. Students and colleagues count on the gifts and talents you bring to the good and difficult times.
There will never be a penalty if you can’t get to the campus because of weather or some other unforeseen crisis. No one wants you to be in a situation where your safety is compromised.

After all, remember you are essential. 

Happy New Year!

Folks often say it with more gusto than they feel. Every one wants to be happy, and too, all of us want fresh, new starts. This week on the “Today” show Matt Lauer reported that the number one New Year’s resolution is to lose weight. The losing weight resolution is quickly followed by stopping smoking, getting money issues in order, and spending more time with the family.

I’ve asked a number of people if they make resolutions and most of them said no. The ones that said “no” said it emphatically. No scientific results to calculate here, but my best guess is the weight came back, a check bounced, and well, siblings are after all siblings. The few friends that said “yes” are all “feel good” types. Each of the examples they gave had nothing to do with weight or money. Simply put, the”feel good, yes” folks want to be better people, period.

What does it mean to be a better person? I guess you have to know yourself pretty well first of all, and too, you have to admit that other folks see what you either don’t want to acknowledge or that you hope remains hidden. It’s the old “Johari Window” exercise. You remember this one: known to self and others; known to others and not self; not known to others but known to self; and not known to self and not known to others. Wow, even writing it sounds like a huge puzzle to put together.

If you asked 5 of your closest friends and/or family members what things you could do to be a better person what do you think they would say? What would their list of “your improvements” look like? I bet you could come up with the list yourself.

It’s the stuff everyone does but no one wants to admit: we’re late; we don’t listen well; we interrupt; we give unsolicited advice; we know everything; we’re slobs; we don’t tell the complete truth; we gossip; we dress funny; we get road rage; we’re impatient; we blame our bosses; we wait for the other person to apologize; we are critical; we are judgmental; we sigh; we don’t trust others; we’re pessimistic; we’re lazy; we are insincere. Thank goodness we don’t do all of this at once. Thank goodness most of the folks that love us overlook the times we miss the mark.

But maybe, just maybe we don’t try to fix any of that junk. Maybe the good news about being a better person is to just continue to do the good stuff we do…just more often. So this new year keep on keeping on: continue to send goofy emails to friends; you’re great at telling someone they look nice, everyone likes your hand written notes, your friends wait for your best joke, keep baking those delicious brownies you love sharing; your good manners show; the way your laughter lifts everyone’s mood; your optimism; your gratitude for a new day; your faith in others. Thanks goodness this stuff happens each and every day. In some small measure it makes up for missing the mark.

Happy New Year! 

College Students Home for the Holidays

Finals are finished. Grades are being posted. Residence Halls have all closed. The high energy and stress of the semester is behind us. Students love holidays! No surprise, faculty and staff love holidays too. Every one who makes a campus "buzz" loves the break time. It's a great time to catch up reading for fun, writing for pleasure, and re-connecting with friends from afar. And while all of this energy is good, there still is a certain amount of stress with "going home."

Many students have been on their own for months and sometimes years. Going home represents falling back into "family patterns." Whether you are 18 or 48, you still are the 'oldest, middle, youngest' in a family system. Parents and siblings have a hard time letting go of family roles, we all do. I am the youngest in my family. Until my mother died (when I was 32) every Christmas the gifts were not put under the tree until I went to bed! Yes, even in my 30's...I was still the youngest. When my older sister (she hates when I say that) and I were both home for the holidays it seemed as if she always drove. It is hard to bust out of family roles!

My sister and I are 3 years apart. When we went away to college, coming home had its joys and stresses. I would promise myself each year, no matter what, we wouldn't have any disagreements, rolling of the eyes, or other sisterly scenes. We managed to be civil for at least the first 3 days! Thank goodness we've had years to grow our relationship and discover that we can be both friends and siblings.

So how can we reduce stress during the holidays? Here are a few tips that have worked for me and I hope they work for you.

Make sure that you communicate to your family, both parents and siblings, the ways in which you've changed being at school. Often parents, in particular, can't believe you are "growing up and away." It’s an adjustment for both of you! It’s best to talk about your independence, and what expectations they might have for you. It's likely you may hear "in my house, you'll obey my rules."

This is a perfect time for parents and students to sit down and address expectations. While life at college may not have begun until after 11:00pm, your folks will not appreciate the return at 3:00am. Remember they have a schedule that they have become used to as well!

Remember your parents are real people. Ask them how they are doing in their work, home and family life. Often students begin to see changes in their families that make them uneasy. A parent divorcing or single parents re-partnering, or the recent loss in your parent's family of origin. Parents having job changes, or moving from the "family" home can all create stress. These topics aren't off limits for you to discuss with your parents. They may appreciate your sensitivity, and be aware that you know the world no longer revolves just around you.

Take time for yourself! Relax, and enjoy. Don't spend all your time on MySpace or Facebook, or with your i-pod. See your friends home from other colleges. Be grateful for time to re-connect. Exercise and get some sleep!

Let's remember the greatest gift we can give is our love and care for our families and friends. When things get "tight," and you know they will, hold on to the following words: Compromise, Accommodate, Be Grateful, Be Lovingly Honest, Respectful, Communicate, and Celebrate.

Have a terrific holiday with all those you love and who love you.

Inshalla!